Armed With A Mind
Armed With A Mind
by Philip Wilkey
Time to think, time to grow, time for friends and time for a show!
Your mind is your greatest gift, being able to live free, to be spontaneous, to go with the moment and seize every opportunity by the throat and push yourself in every step helps keep the mind active and positive leading to a fulfilling life, learning how to do this, that’s the first step, no one ever said it would be easy, your not going to get everything handed to you on a plate but if you persevere have the strength and courage even through adversity and defeat man you’ll be unstoppable and with the world at your feet, what’s holding you back?
I know what it’s like to get low. Before the straight edge reached out its hand to me and pulled me through my mind was lost to depression, counting the clock, beating myself up over everything, severe memory loss long and short term, inability to eat and total lack of self-confidence. When it hit it hit me hard. From the age of 12-18 and even beyond while I developed my train of thoughts and re-programmed my outlook. By 15 was diagnosed with manic-depression, the dr wanted to prescribe medication as if a pill could give me a release? Fuck that. I wanted to learn how to conquer it, I hated feeling suicidal, I could never cut myself (phobia of blades) but I got to the stage of tightening a noose around my neck until thoughts of my family would flood my mind, my grandparents, friends, all the people I cared about and even through my own selfishness, despite the self hatred Id just end up crying, the world shut off as my life collapsed around me. Submerged in darkness and an emptyness at who I was and how every time I looked in the mirror I hated the reflection at times hardly recognizing the pale face and hollowed eyes from lack of sleep haunted even then as if day wasn’t enough.
Have always been an emotional person, I embrace it. I trust far too much, have more faith in the inherent goodness of people maybe a little more than I should, I believe in love at first sight, have felt that and experienced that warmth. Am also a walking contradiction, my persona, my humor everything about me, I’m not what you’d expect but I’m settled too. My mind races constantly at a thousand miles an hour, constantly thinking, ideas, concepts all self-development. I turned eighteen and adopted the straight edge philosophy, drinking was the only thing I was into, drugs never appealed, life is to fun or at least it has the potential to be if you learn to seize the day (Carpe Diem). Adopt the Straight Edge doctrine and you will feel more alive, de-toxing is great but what’s the long-term benefit if it’s only a temporary solution? Chemicals kill, slowly draining the body and the soul until there is nothing left but the shell of the person you once were and what you still have time to be!
That’s how I found hardcore and straight edge rock and the alternative scene it always appealed to me but I was searching for something a little more real, a scene without pretense, swaggering and the pressure to out do one another. I wanted something I could relate to along with the skateboarding because nothing got rid of frustration or energized me quicker like that first hardcore show I went too and ever since, hardcore enlivened my soul and made me feel happy in myself the messages, the music, the beat down’s and the atmosphere, outcast kids living on the brink.
I can’t explain why or where the depression came from, I had a good childhood, grew up in a nice neighborhood and then suddenly things started changing and confusing, irrational thoughts would enter my head. In my case I do know its hereditary, my father and grandfather both suffered with the affliction. My grandfather never really able to control the illness and just got angry and violent for most of his life unable to work as a direct of result of his inability to deal with his demons.
As a kid I always dreamed I would conquer the world I’d watch films like Zulu, 300 Spartans, Spartacus, El Cid, Ben Hur & aspired to be like the heroes in the celluloid. It was escapism sure and I was definitely born in the wrong era for valor and heroics when a push of a button is enough to start a fools war these days. I always believed I was destined for something great but when I hit teenage years it became impounded in me that I wasn’t good enough. That somewhere I fell short. I wasn’t attractive, I hated my appearance and was bullied for that.
Some kid once beat me up for no reason just laid into me, him and his brother. The brother died a few years ago in a bike accident, was intoxicated at the time. I swore I’d exact some form of revenge even if I had to wait a decade for hell hath no fury for the part of my innocence they took from me that day, I’m a pacifist but that incident just fuelled my self loathing and as the blows rain down upon my face and body I couldn’t stop crying then they spat on me just to compound the humiliation.
The first hardcore band I listened to was Vision Of Disorder the Imprint album had an instant effect on me especially the song Imprint which was written about an incident that happened to Tim the singer where he was mugged and attacked by a guy wielding a knife:
Imprint
You look me straight in the eyes
It’s like a reaction felt straight to the heart
Makes me feel like I've been alive
Makes me wonder if I’ve got the strength to carry on
Not just to get by
What’s with you son?
A fatal vision not the only one
It’s like sand in my face
I feel the blood drip in my eyes
It’s like a constant picture inside
Never fades, never slips away
It stays imprinted inside
I slipped again, underneath again
Eyes slip back into the head
I see the pictures again
I grit my teeth in my sleep
A shallow imprint, step to the grave
You ain't getting far,
You’re a walking stone
You ain't getting very far
Where you gonna run
When you're running from yourself
You look up to me
Believe me,
Believe
I’ll tear you apart
Cause I ain't one to fuck with
Someday I'll cut you just like they cut me
So look me straight in the eyes
Vengeance and hate runs deep
I’ll always know where you sleep
Then I heard bands like Will Haven or Morning Again whose music would calm me down I found brutal music was the voice that could soothe my anxieties, my fears and the hate that I felt. It was so aggressive but it calmed me and made me forget my problems and slowly started building my confidence they were guys like me, guys I could go up to after a show and chat to, there were no barriers, and no security hardcore looks after itself.
When I first embraced the edge it just seemed to me like the right thing to do at the right time for me. I drank a lot, prior to being 18 but when things are legal there just not as fun:-) I just remember listening to Strife, Floorpunch, Snapcase and wanting to emulate that lifestyle and was very curious to see if I had the will power and self control to live free of intoxication, it appealed to me because it seemed like a challenge, unobtainable, like a badge worn with honor to those who could commit to it. I never wanted to be different; I just was, never fit the mould and was always pushing boundaries so it was a natural choice for me at a point in my life when I was ready for it.
I actually found it hard for the first few months, it didn’t come naturally for a kid raised in an English drinking culture, with parents and friends with the mentality that your ‘not a real man unless you drink’ or would say stereotypical things like ‘how can you have a good time if your not drinking’ passing judgment on me for something I saw as quite positive, its funny how people react to something they don’t understand, can’t comprehend or are scared of. That behavior and absolute rejection of my new found interest only fuelled my desires to follow through with it, like a big middle finger to stereotypes that have probably held kids back for decades.
I still had bouts of depression but they became more infrequent, I found having a clear head helped to stave off for at least some of the time feelings of self-doubt. I also realized through that I needed to find plenty of interests to occupy my mind, I’ve always been restless so having loads of hobbies kept me going, from playing the guitar to reading, writing, design anything that made me happy and kept me creative.
Through becoming tee-total I started thinking for myself which led me amongst other things gaining my NPLQ (National Pool & Lifeguard Qualification) and because I wanted to pass the course I enrolled at my local gym JJB which was one of the best things I ever did for myself. Keeping fit became my obsession and I found was the way forward to conquering my negative thoughts that previously held me back. Exercise releases endorphins which basically make you feel good, I got into everything running, rowing, swimming & weight lifting it all interested me and gave me a focus, goals to meet and smash through and at least after a year I started coming into my own.
The combination of the straight edge mentality and keeping fit and eating right (natural products over processed food!) gave me the confidence I had long been seeking and the changes in me were evident.
The whole concept of the straight edge philosophy is centered around having a clean mind & body so embracing a fitness regime and healthy eating lifestyle seemed to me anyway like a natural way forward and there are so many sports to choose from. Martial arts to rock climbing, skateboarding to football, to surfing or snorkeling whatever you do it’s all good and fun. As long as it fuels that passion and enables you to push yourself harder, exercise just gets rid of so much nervous energy and for me anyway keeps away negative thinking. Doing sports makes you feel good love nothing more than jogging alone down a dusty road to the rhythm of the music coming from my headphones or the idea of kayaking through a ravine as part of a team racing against the rapid flow of the water mother nature as much a part of the activity as yourself.
See music and sports go hand in hand, at the gym music will always be playing as it motivates people like ying & yang these things partner each other perfectly.
It doesn’t have to be a daunting experience and most people are open-minded and happy to talk to you if you show an interest. Why allow yourself to be closed off and why perpetuate the self-loathing by not expressing fundamental urges. Don't just limit yourself to sports either, there are a million hobbies out there or ways you can help at shows, promoting, running labels or starting bands.
Armed With A Mind by Have Heart
Caked up and faked up,
She's obsessed with the outside.
Nothing earned, too afraid to fail.
So she led a hollow life void of insight
Loving what you see, but you fear what you think
Because of your mind and your body
There's a missing fucking link
That leaves you vulnerable, susceptible to pain
You're a garden of potential submerged in the rain
True beauty, cant be seen, with the eyes
ARMED, armed with a mind
I’m gonna strengthen my action with thought
Make use of the gift that I got
And walk fearless because I’m armed-with-a-mind
A weak offense when you step to this
Mind over matter is power over fists
I walk fearless because I’m armed with-a-mind
I walk fearless with a mind far greater than just a fucking fist.
Spineless and mindless. You flex your muscles and not you’re fucking head
A deep man with a strong point made without one thoughtful word said?
"Huff and puff", the fierce fists will do the talking
Can’t speak for yourself so your "crew’s with you walking
Tell me what’s worth fighting for...
And it better be something greater than an evening of the score
Boy, your true strength sleeps behind your eyes!
It’s the absent minded fool, who's afraid to think,
To extend an open hand,
To dare to earn a thing.
It’s the gift inside your head not to take for granted..
Because an unexamined life is a seed unplanted.
As the animals, they can’t reason
But as humans we can.
So are you just a wild animal or a rational man?
Our bodies bring us nowhere, might does NOT make right.
There’s a gift inside your head
Don’t let your mind or your body waste away when there is a world out there waiting for you! People talk all the time of seizing the day but until you actually do you will never experience that euphoric feeling knowing that the day ahead as the dawn breaks and the horizon is filled with immaculate beauty is there to be taken advantage of! So why not embrace hope over hate, joy instead of sadness and dreams so that you may live them out, forging memories and becoming the you you’ve always wanted to become.
The world is yours
Embrace it and move forwards
xXx
